Jews are adherents to one of the world's oldest major religions, called "Judaism" or "Eating Aryan Babies."
History
There are currently about 18 million Jews worldwide, of which 90 percent live in either Florida, the Wedgwood neighborhood in Seattle, the Upper West Side of New York City (also referred to as "Jew York City" and "Hymie Town") and Bethesda/Chevy Chase in Washington, DC's Maryland suburbs. Most are involved with the Illuminati in an enormous conspiracy to spread International Faggotry.
Jews and Jesus
At least 100 years ago, the Jews nailed our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to a plank of wood for claiming he was the Messiah, thus triggering some 2000 years of oppression and persecution at the hands of the Christians. Hostility towards the Jews reached its zenith back in the '30s and '40s, when the Hitler fandom (called "Nazis" by some) started putting them in concentration camps. Their efforts at mass extermination, which was later dubbed the Holocaust, was eventually thwarted, thanks to the Allied League of Justice Friends.
Fun Facts
* Currently furries compare themselves to the Jews because Muggles...er...mundanes (read: sane people) are oppressing them.
* If you do not support Jews or Israel, or if you like Arabs, then you are an anti-Semite or Gentile terrorist.
Keeping Kosher: An Introduction for Beginners
Jews follow dietary laws given to them by their God Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken, because they've forgotten how to pronounce it (modern scholars believes it was either Yod-Heh-Vav-Heh (YHVH) notice the double heh), Jehovah or Cthulhu). The kosher, or "kraut," laws are voluminous and complex, though the basics include:
1. Not eating the flesh of certain "forbidden" animals (such as pigs).
2. Not eating the flesh of other Jews. See the above for more details.
3. Ensuring that those animals that are killed for food be killed in a ritually sanctified fashion.
4. Not consuming meats, eggs, fruits and vegetables in combination with dairy products. The Jews thus despise cheeseburgers and omelettes, and accordingly both foods are outlawed in Israel.
5. Not consuming grape products, like wine, that are manufactured or touched by non-Jews.
6. Eating Aryan babies, usually at Passover and often with a delightful light sauce.
7. Avoiding Zyklon Knishes like the plague
Bacon
Jews are highly allergic to bacon. If a jew accidentaly ingests any bacon they will experience a severe allergic reaction which causes them to grow a penis. Since owning a penis is strictly forbidden in Jewish Law, all Jews have thier penises cut off when they turn 13. (See Barmitzvah)
Slurpees and Kashrut
The good news for Jews is that nearly all Slurpees are kosher! Pareve even! Except for Diet Pepsi, which is only Kosher Dairy as it has an anti-freezing sweetener derived from milk. And the Piña Colada, not Kosher at all; stay away Jew.
Since Israel is a fundamentalist and zealous nation, slurpees must undergo special tests before being deemed kosher enough for public consumption. The test involves a rabbi holding the cold slurpee goo in his ass for 80 minutes while reading the weekly haftorah.
Jews in Physics
The Jew is the SI unit of energy, according to my Chinese physics teaching assistant. Jews are a derived unit consisting of "nrutons" and "mereters."
Thus, the Holocaust was actually an alternative energy program; whereby, Jews were burned in ovens to power turbines and generate economical electricity from non-fossil sources.
Useful Facts about Jews and Judaism
* Snob pieces of shit that need to be sent to the furnaxe, right now
* Jews are known for their Jew gold and the bags of gold they carry around their necks.
* Not only do the Jews control the world, but also the media, the banks, the space program, and LiveJournal's porn communities.
* The majority of the world's chubby, high maintenance girls are Jews.
* The Jews possess plenty of enemies, the most notable being:
o Adolf Hitler. To troll a journal or blog you know to be Jewish or Jewish-sympathetic, simply make a Fifty Hitler Post right off the bat (although that forgoes the standard protocol; see The Godwin Variation).
o The Jews' secondary enemy are the rightful owners of Palestine, who they conquered and who are currently subjugated in a fashion of which the Nazis would certainly approve.
* Jews belong in the ocean, though their land-based places of origin also include Israel (where they bulldoze protestors) and the Crown Heights neighborhood of New York (where they sell diamonds to raise money for more bulldozers).
* Quasidan and Simone are Jews.
* The Jews wrote some of the oldest fanfic still in existence, which is alternately called the "Old Testament" and the "Tanakh." Based on these writings, they obviously hate homosexuals. Sometimes as psychotic, violent and convoluted as a Shaw Brothers/Tarantino collaboration, the "Old Testament" AKA the Jew Testament is filled with acts of naked misogyny that would make any feminist instantly livid, as well as multiple counts of mass murder and homophobia akin to that of their future Teuton oppressors, partially redeeming this otherwise Messiah-denying lot of hooknosed bean counters. Also, unleavened bread consumption, hallucinating burning vegetation, daring HJIC Abraham to knock up some Egyptian harlot to create Israel's future "enemy"... the Jew Testament is full of hours of family-safe drama and lulz.
* Jesus, a Jew, was the first Mary Sue to be recorded in history.
* Jews have nukes. Nobody dares sexual intercourse with them. Except Palestinians, armed as they are with stones, pointy sticks and their newly-developed bulldozer repellent.
* The Holocaust is completely irrelevant. Bring this up frequently whilst in the company of Jews.
* What's brown in the attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
* JEWS DID WTC! 9/11 nevr 4get. This can be proven by science.
* Jewish males practise circumcision. This means they pretend to be black in order to impregnate white women.
* Jews and Israel are intertwined. You cannot hate one without hating the other.
* Jews, like Japs, write from right to left. JAPs, like Japanese girls, are very difficult to impregnate by outsiders due to severe inbreeding and antiquated, xenophobic attitudes. Hence if you find out that one of your buddies claims to have done so, forensic DNA evidence is required to receive the most coveted Bust-A-Jap-4-Jesus Millenial Award (BAJAMA)
* In Jews' defence, at least they aren't furries
Famous Jews
* SlimVirgin (killed Christ)
* Jesus
* Jon Stewart
* Moses
* Quasidan
* Darth Vader's Chest
* Albert Einstein
* Atom and his Package
* Jerry Seinfeld
* Bram Cohen
* Alfred Perlstein
* fennec
* anphony
* Adolf Hitler
* Joe Lieberman
* Cory Matthews
* Mel Gibson
* Eric Bauman
* Lowtax
* Armenians
Jewish dilemma: Free ham.